Vikings vs. The Evil (1978)
I’m a Vikings fan, but over the years the Vikings have taught me to know when to pull the plug. If they aren’t playing up to the standards of their pay, which is handsome indeed, then I turn them off and go do something more constructive, like sort through my collection of plastic spoons from various fast food restaurants or be amazed by what a Swifter sheet picks up (I had one pick up a ham once; it had fallen between the stove and the counter at some point).
When the Vikings decided they wanted to blow yet another NFC Championship game, I decided it was time to watch a 1970s horror movie instead. I went with something unknown to me called The Evil from 1978. I went with it because it had Richard Crenna in it. Sure, Crenna was in the Rambo movies and Leviathan and so on and so forth, but he was also in another 1970s made-for-TV horror movie that I enjoyed —Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell (you know a movie is good by how redundant the title is, such as Vikings Fan: An Masochist of Minnesota).
Full disclosure, I watched the first 40 minutes of The Evil while doing some paperwork so I was a smidge distracted. Nevertheless, since the Vikings don’t pay me to let them ruin my day, it was a fun little flick to replace them on the TV. Plot: A bunch of people, which included the girl John Belushi pirated away at the end of Animal House and the guy in that Grizzly movie where they blow up a bear with a rocket launcher, fight the devil in a locked mansion. Power tool accidents ensue, jumper cable accidents ensue, a lawn turns into quicksand and the devil has a room painted by victims of Tom Sawyer. Meanwhile, Richard Crenna plays Richard Crenna as only he can play him. There is also a trapdoor, a cross, a dog and a surprising amount of wirework for a movie without Jet Li.
Why did it work? It was steeped in 1970s vibe. The actors took the movie seriously even when it was silly. The director was matter-of-fact with the material. Every shot wasn’t framed for maximum awesome. The shots were framed to tell the story. Special effect limitations required problem-solving. The stakes weren’t constantly undermined by winks. Conflict existed between the folks in the house and the beast in the basement. Conflict also existed within the group itself. No real preaching was done, even though the movie had religious overtones. Some preaching did occur, of course, but it was nothing compared to the preaching that happens in movies nowadays. The setup was tried and true — people trapped in a house, but it had little twists, like the windows wouldn’t break, etc. to keep it interesting. Characters weren’t that deep, but they were deeper than the Vikings’ passing game. It was a workman-like movie, not lightning in a bottle, but competent.
An added bonus was that the movie reminded me of an odd fear I had as a child. I’d lay awake at night sometimes and be afraid that an invisible shield would surround my room, and I’d be trapped inside of it. I imagined people trying to get me food by punching holes through the wall but encountering the barrier. I thought of people lining up with chainsaws to try to break the force field over the door, and each chainsaw would make a single scratch in it and then be wrecked, so if they got enough chainsaws maybe all of those scratches could accumulate into a small breach. Sometimes I’d have to get up in the middle of the night and stick my arm through the doorway to make sure I wasn’t trapped.
Maybe that is the ace all horror movies need up their sleeve. They need to touch upon a real fear or concern, like being the fan of a football team that will always fail when it counts, and people devote a good portion of their lives to that team, and that team gets a billion dollar stadium as a reward for their futility, and one day a person takes a tour of the stadium, and they get separated from the group, and they wander around the basement and discover the stadium’s foundation is built on the bones of fans, and the toilets are flushed with the tears of fans and…
On second thought, just being a Vikings fan is enough of a horror story in and of itself. Look, I’m not saying the Vikings suck, but their spirit animal is a lamprey. Did you know none of the Vikings players play the drums? Why? Because they’d have to beat them. How many Vikings fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, none of them need any help because they are all experts at getting screwed…by the Vikings! What’s the difference between the Vikings and any random tree in a forest? The tree probably won something at some point. (Seriously, a random tree in the forest has probably won something at some point.) What do a Vikings fan and a Patriots fan have in common? Nothing. Did you hear the one about the Vikings fan who walked into a bar and cried? That one is not a joke. It’s a true story. Do you know what SKOL stands for? Short field goal for the win is Kicked way Off to the Left. I could go on and on, folks. What do you get when you cross a Vikings fan with an octopus? I don’t know, but it can wipe away its tears eight times as fast…