The Uninvited 1988 (not by Alanis Morrisette)

I have looked into the face of, dare I say, genius, and my mind is blown. So much so that I had to pick pieces of my brain off the floor, brush them off and stuff them back into my ears, hoping they went in somewhat orderly, but I’m not sure it matters, for I am now smarter anyway — from looking into the face of genius…

The genius is a little movie from 1988 called The Uninvited. A puppet cat regurgitates a smaller puppet cat, which then ends up being yet another, larger, more monstrous puppet cat that puppet-cats people to death. Does the puppet cat also have venom that can even poison the food it touches? You bet it does!
Not even George Kennedy can stand up to this beast, nor Clu Gallagher, nor any other of our gloriously 1980s cast. When they aren’t getting puppet-catted to death, they are either lounging on a yacht, dancing on a yacht, doing aerobics on the yacht, trying to fix the yacht, trying to start the yacht or engaging in tedious, unnecessary aardvarking on the yacht.

I would award each and every one of them an Oscar if I was in charge of Oscars, and Arnold Schwarzenegger would present them with the Oscars from his throne as King of Hollywood, and I would watch from behind the stage curtain with a single tear rolling down my cheek and whisper, “Good show, you beautiful, beautiful denizens of my fantasy world.”

I watched two movies this weekend: Godzilla: King of Monsters and The Uninvited. I’m not even sure what happened in Godzilla: King of Monsters anymore. There was certainly nothing as memorable as a puppet cat regurgitating another puppet cat that turned into a bigger, more monstrous puppet cat.

Godzilla: King of Monsters was an auto-tuned movie for radio play. The Uninvited was pure jazz.

A cat escapes from a lab and is found by two blonds invited onto a yacht by a mobster they just met, who then invite some guys they just met on the way to the yacht, and they all end up on the yacht with the mobster’s two henchman and the lady captain, except the mobster doesn’t want any of them on the yacht, but the yacht doesn’t have a crew, and it needs to leave in a hurry, so the lady captain says the blonds and their guy friends they just met can be the crew, and the mobster says, okay, I have to avoid the authorities anyway, and they all go to sea so the mutant cat can pick them off one by one.

At one point, I thought about questioning it, but…the boat needed a crew anyway. Don’t you see? The boat needed a crew. That’s how you build a plot!

Then Clu Gallagher wears buck teeth and glasses like he is maybe doing a homage to Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffanys, and the movie also has bursting veins. I know what you’re wondering. Do we get to see George Kennedy with bursting veins?

We do indeed, my friend, we do indeed.

You remember the end of Godzilla: King of Monsters when all the monsters fight and Godzilla wins? I don’t because I’ve seen the end of The Uninvited. The last two cast members are on lifeboat in a raging storm shaken by people off camera. The mutant cat hops aboard! One of the cast members wrestles with it and throws it overboard. The mutant cat hops aboard again! Maybe even via the exact same shot as previously. The same cast member wrestles with it and throws it overboard…again! Maybe even via the exact same shots as previously. So then they throw a briefcase in the water for the mutant cat to hop on instead. The mutant cat obliges, and we see it float away into the storm to the quick strains of victory-synthesizer.

Now that’s an ending! I may not need to see another movie for the rest of the year. I’ve peaked…