I finished my The Predator review by stating that I’d have to think about whether or not to recommend it.

I have now concluded my thinking.

And I still don’t know what to think…

I have now posted on Predator-related stuff four times, I think, which shows that the subject matter is somewhat near and dear to my heart. I remember seeing the original Predator in theaters with my dad. The second one was the first movie I drove to see by myself. The first comic book came out at a perfect time for a dork like me. Then the Aliens vs. Predator comic book showed up a bit after that.

Describing the latest movie is like the beginning of A Tale of Two Cities to me.

It was fun, but not that fun. It was good, but not that good. It was bad, but not that bad. It had everything going for it. It had nothing going for it. We were all going to enjoy it. We were all going to be disappointed by it…

Here’s what I think…I think the movie was on steady, but not steep, rising trajectory until the Super Predator showed up. Then it became…a bit scattershot, perhaps? I don’t buy that they re-shot the ending because the original sequence took place in daylight and wasn’t scary enough. The last hunt wasn’t scary at night either. There was really nothing about the way it was shot that was particularly designed to be scary. There was some brief stalking; then it was a free-for-all.

The other tricky aspect to wrap my brain around is Shane Black. The guy knows what he is doing. Was there studio interference that diluted the end product? Did the addition of Fred Dekker helping write it somehow warp things?

I don’t know. The movie just seems wonky, and not wonky in a way like say, Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. That movie was horribly wonky, but it seemed consistently wonky, like there was a singular vision of wonkiness.

The Predator seems slap-dash. I don’t know how you make a decision like, “Hey, how about a Predator ship just happens to crash land in the middle of a special forces mission?” And then later on decide like, “Hey, about we go back to that convenient-crash thing and have the Predator ship just happen to crash land by Olivia Munn so she can reappear to save the day?”

“Are you crazy? You’re going to use a ship-crashing-in-a-convenient-place plot element twice in one movie?”

“Yes…”

“That’s so crazy, it just might work. Sign me up!”

I feel like something had to go wrong somewhere. And those Predator dogs? If you shoot one in the head, it likes you? And then it conveniently swallows grenades thrown in games of fetch to vomit up later when you need them? And that one guy told them not to shoot the Predator dog, like he was set up to bond with it, and then he has nothing to do with the dog for the rest of the movie and it bonds with Olivia instead? And when you shoot Predator dogs, sparks fly off them, unless you shoot them real close, which, again, makes them like you.

It just doesn’t ring true to me that this is an untainted Shane Black story.

Plus, the way Sterling Brown’s character went out…he needed a death scene. I think he died…somehow…in the background near the end.

In my opinion, something went awry, and The Predator we got is not The Predator intended. Again, we know about the reshoots and multiple Predators getting cut, along with other hybrid Predator monsters. I’d be really curious to see the original script. For example, did Sterling Brown’s character get a wacky death scene at the hands of a hybrid? Maybe. And then they had to shoe in offing him in the background in reshoots? I’m sure the original script will come out sometime, somewhere. Then the whole story can be better pieced together.

I guess that is my conclusion with The Predator — something went wrong. It’s like defective furniture. It should have came out of the machine correct, but some adjustment was off, and now it wobbles…