I wonder what Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker will be about because I’ve seen other folks speculating about what it will be about, which got me thinking about what my speculations would look like. I don’t even know what my speculations are yet. I figured I’d learn about them on the fly as I write this post.

First off, I believed The Force Awakens was pretty much a remake of the first Star Wars movie, which is pretty much cinema perfection. I then, surprisingly, went against the grain when I finally saw The Last Jedi. Despite the hate against the film, I felt it generally worked as a movie. I’m not saying it was a great Star Wars movie. I’m just saying that I was able to watch it with a degree of interest in the proceedings. Hence, it generally worked from a story-telling standpoint.

How will the final film of the trilogy go?

I have limited knowledge on the subject. I have not been scouring the Internet for minute details.

I do know that J.J. Abrams is directing. In that case, we know that the film will be beautifully shot. Emotion will show up. Action will be extravagant but oddly free of weight. Overproduced action loses a certain visceral quality. Consider the truck chase in Raiders of the Lost Ark verses the opening spaceship battle of Revenge of the Sith.

Actually, it is not fair to compare them because there is no comparison. The viewer feels the bounces of the truck, the gravel scraping their chest, the punches to the face and the crunch of metal in the Raiders of the Lost Ark scene. They merely watch a screen with a lot of stuff on it in Revenge of the Sith.

Oh look, another mass of pixels whizzed by!

What else do I know about Rise of Skywalker?

I know that Rey runs in the desert and backflips over a Tie Fighter.

I think I saw pictures of a female bounty hunter, Knights of Ren and some Death Star wreckage.

I heard the Emperor’s laugh at the end of the teaser.

What can we reverse engineer with those parts?

At the end of The Last Jedi, Rey and crew were pretty much defeated, but they had each other. Apparently, that is all you need against the Empire…or New Order…or Newpirder, if you will. I’m going to go with that term. Newpirder!

First, we have to make them a relevant force again to be a challenge to the Newpirder. Sure, they could do a small group operation, but that would eliminate the need for epic space battles. I’m pretty sure they want to fit epic space battles into the final chapter of the trilogy, so somewhere Rey and company are going to have to find allies with lots of spaceships.

How about they come into contact with some folks who want to defect from the Newpirder. There is disorder in the ranks after the death of Snokie.

Could this be an opportunity for Ren to become a good guy and end up leading that faction? Probably not, at least not until the end of the movie. I suppose he has to be redeemed to a degree. If they are going to harken back to Return of the Jedi (after all, the Emperor and the Death Star are coming back), then Ren will probably have a Vader-like redemption moment so he and Rey can have a tearful exchange before he expires.

If only I didn’t sell my soul to the Newpirder, I could have given it to you, Ren gasps.

You already have, Rey says. You already have…

Then they lip wrestle.

Okay, here’s what we have so far…

Rebellion becomes relevant again as a force.

Finn and Poe will probably be involved with the process. Maybe Finn knows a bunch of janitor Stormtroopers who don’t want to clean bathrooms anymore and want to rebel.

Leia will also help, I suppose. So maybe it is her diplomatic contacts that will bring together a band of spaceships. That is probably more likely.

Somewhere along the line there is a big spaceship battle.

Now then, what about the female bounty hunter? I think I saw a picture of Maz too, so she is in the movie. So female bounty hunter will intersect with Maz somehow. The heroes have to go to Maz for guidance, like in The Force Awakens. Will she help muster up an army of spaceships? I’m getting more of a MacGuffin vibe from her. Maz will provide the MacGuffin, which maybe has to do with the Death Star wreckage. They have to go to the wrecked Death Star to get their last desperate chance.

What is the MacGuffin? It has to be gettable by Rey. It will probably tie into the force. Egad…does the Death Star have something within it that will bring back Luke? Luke has to come back, right? They will try to fix all of the bitterness his demise in TLJ provoked.

Let’s review and flesh it out a bit more…

Rebellion becomes relevant again as a force. Finn and Poe will probably be involved with the process. Leia will also help. Wait a second, I remembered something else! Lando is also in the teaser! Lando will also be a part of this process.

Meanwhile, Rey will go to Maz. Maz will tell her to seek the Death Star for the MacGuffin.

Female Bounty Hunter will interfere with the MacGuffin hunt.

Luke returns.

Somewhere along the line there is a big spaceship battle.

Ren and Rey lip wrestle. Ren dies.

The remaining characters face the future, which is more box-office decided than anything else.

What about the Emperor? I suppose this angle also involves Ren’s storyline. So how do he and the Emperor intersect within the story? And what part do the Knights of Ren serve? Let’s say they have been out and about searching for Sith secrets, which leads to the Emperor’s resurrection.

I think we now have our basic framework. Now we just need to mold it into a more coherent treatment, starting…now!

Opening crawl: nearly defeated, our heroes plan their next course of action aboard the Millennium Falcon. We hope you enjoy your popcorn and silence your phones!

We could get Lando to help us, Leia says.

We could also get Maz to help us, Rey says.

Leia and Poe go to Lando Land. Finn and Rey go to Maz Land. Robots and Chewbacca also get divided up among the groups because they are in the movie, too, you know, for action figure sales.

Meanwhile, the Knights of Ren report back to Ren. They tell him they finally located the artifacts they were sent to seek out. Great, Ren says and rebuilds his helmet. It is time to embrace who we truly are, even if Hux will bluster at whatever we do for dramatic effect.

Leia and company meet up with Lando. I’ll hook you up with my network of rogues, Lando says. The message goes out: everyone with a spaceship come join us so we can have an epic space battle at the end of the movie. Unfortunately, Newpirder spies have followed them. Insert action scene as they try to escape from the Newpirder spies.

Rey and company meet up with Maz. You must seek the MacGuffin at the wrecked Death Star on Endor, Maz says. Unfortunately, female bounty hunter spots them and knows the Newpirder will reward her handsomely for Rey’s corpse. Insert action scene as they try to escape female bounty hunter. This is maybe where Rey backflips over the Tie Fighter, which is flown by female bounty hunter.

Ren and his knight friends mess with artifact. The Emperor is resurrected. The Emperor kills Hux. The Emperor likes Ren. My new apprentice, he says with creepy emotion. Quick, we must get to Endor because I sense that Rey is after the MacGuffin. Fly, spaceships, fly!

Leia and Lando have organized their resistance. They come up with a plan. If we attack Space Ship X and destroy its modulator, it will disrupt communications throughout the entire Newspirder network. They will be easy pickings for us then!

Rey and company reach the Death Star. They encounter Ewoks on the way. They go inside the Death Star and find the MacGuffin. It enables Rey to quintuple her force powers, and she reconstitutes Luke. Luke says, I’m not the only one who reconstituted because the force always balances itself. The Emperor is in orbit with all of his ships as I speak!

Leia, Lando and armada arrive. Attack Space Ship X modulator! Leia also senses Ren and Luke on Endor. She gets down there in the Falcon’s escape pod.

The Emperor and Luke meet in the wrecked Death Star throne room. Fitting that it should end where it started, the Emperor says. They shoot force powers at each other and grimace while Rey and Ren also have their own duel. Egad, the Emperor is so strong. Perhaps he is a threat to everyone. Then Leia shows up. The Emperor kills her. Noooooooo! Ren cries. Ren turns on the Emperor. The combined might of Luke, Rey and Ren defeat the Emperor. Ren is morally wounded in the process. Rey goes to him.

If only I didn’t sell my soul to the Newpirder, I could have given it to you, Ren gasps.

You already have, Rey says. You already have…

Then they lip wrestle until Ren dies.

Meanwhile, Lando and Chewbacca crash the Millenium Falcon into the Spaceship X modulator. The Newpirder is defeated once and for all.

Luke bestows his legacy on Rey and disappears for the last time.

Rey, Finn and Poe get medals and face the future, if the box office is sufficiently high enough.

There you go. That’s my predictions. I think we should also throw in a couple of revelations and cameos, as well. When Rey quintuples her force powers, she also sees into the past. Her parents weren’t meaningless. She is like the daughter of Obi-Wan Kenobi or something. The ghost of Han also shows up at some point so Ren can say he is sorry for killing him.

By the way, what will Finn end up doing that is important? Poe gets to fly around and shoot down some ships with Lando. Finn is merely tagging along with Rey, so what is his key moment? Maybe he wipes out the Ewoks, and becomes the greatest Star Wars hero ever…

Teddy bears with slingshots defeating Stormtroopers with blasters…I’m still bitter about that!