It is safe to say that the original Gillman is one of the greatest monster costumes ever designed (follow this link for a story behind said costume). I might even go so far as to say it is the greatest monster costume ever designed. One looks at it and one thinks, yep, that is exactly right. That’s how a fish man should look, by gum, by gosh.

Some might beg to differ and express said differing with words, “I disagree. Predator is the greatest monster design ever!”

I can live with that worldview. Predator is amazing. I remember the first time I saw Predator when he un-invisibled and peeked around that tree in that one scene in that one movie with that one guy who had that one gun that almost shot a skunk. I could wax on about Predator for multiple sentences, which would merge into multiple paragraphs, so I better stomp on the head of that particular aside right now and save a post about Predator for another day when I don’t know what else to write about.

The only rebuttal I’d maybe float in response to the above differing is that Predator is basically Gillman accessorized. Gillman laid the foundation. Predator built on it with armor, weapons and bone jewelry. Mandibles, too. Cue someone somewhere asking, “Hey, did you know Stan Winston got the idea for the mandibles from James Cameron?”

Yes, that is what the Internet is for: movie trivia, funny cat videos and cordial give-and-take message board debates.

Other folks might put forth another claim to the throne of Greatest Ever Monster Design — Alien.

Again, this opinion does not cause me to rush to a message board and vent furious disagreement. Alien is another gold standard of monster design for sure. I wouldn’t even offer a rebuttal to this argument, other than maybe, “Yeah, but Alien’s design is based on a guy wearing a wiener dog for a hat.”

(No it isn’t. I made that part up…)

But where was I? Oh yeah, the Creature From The Black Lagoon, or Gillman, for brevity’s sake, is an iconic design that has stood the test of time and influenced many a folk…and they’re bringing him back. Don’t believe me. Ask Google.

I know what you’re thinking — Hollywood…doing a remake…that doesn’t sound like them…

Normally, I kind of dislike remakes (remakes are a subject that also deserve their own post). I also kind of dislike prequels, and remake-quels, and side-quels and copy-quels. Nevertheless, some classic remakes do exist. You know what they are, or else you wouldn’t have stopped to read a Creature From The Black Lagoon-inspired post. Nevertheless, my mom might be reading this, so I will give her a hint: Kurt Russell playing chess against Adrienne Barbeau’s voice and Jeff Goldblum urking on donuts.

Speaking of the former, John Carpenter was once attached to a remake of the Creature From The Black Lagoon. 1980s Carpenter doing such a thing sounds somewhat interesting. I’m not sure the idea of a remake sounds as interesting today. I mean, where can they go with the story nowadays? One could probably make a bunch of fun prop bets on that question.

What are the odds the story will have an environmental message?

What the the odds the female lead will be a scientist who looks good in a bikini?

Will the captain be a ruffian that the straight-laced female lead will fall for after proving she doesn’t need a man (she will do this by being smart at science, drinking a shot or perhaps taking the magazine out of a pistol, putting it back in and cocking it)?

Will the Gillman be sympathetic?

Will the Gillman show his tender side by saving the female lead from something like a dinosaur shark?

Will the lead scientist be a quasi-villain because “man is the real monster?”

Will the Gillman sink out of sight at the end with a final teary glance at the female lead?

Will the climax of the film be the Gillman distracting a greater-threat monster while the captain fights the lead scientist and the female lead has to get a thing to another thing to activate the special science weapon?

And all of that is serviceable, I guess, but I’d kind of like to see a scary Gillman and a story without any Greenpeace asides. Maybe give the Gillman a bit of a Lovecraft fish-man vibe or something, something a bit unsettling that makes us glad the Gillman is defeated, rather than sad, like when King Kong is defeated.

I once read that Carpenter wanted part of his version to be about creation vs. evolution. That sounds like an interesting angle because the creation vs. evolution debate is fascinating. Put the cannon fodder cast in the Congo rather than the Amazon. They can be a team of evolutionists and creationists, so they already don’t get along. Conflict is drama! They are there looking for Mokele-mbembe. They find Gillman instead while dodging mosquitoes the size of bats and athlete’s foot.

“Haha,” say the evolutionists, “Gillman is the missing link between man and the sea!”

“Darn,” say the creationists, “they’ve got a point.”

But then it turns out there isn’t a Gillman…there are Gillmen! And Gillwomen! A whole village of Gillpeople! And they aren’t missing links. They are humans DE-evolved by a genetic disease that can only exist in a cocaine-addled screenwriter’s mind.

“Darn,” say the evolutionists, “we’ve got problems.”

“Haha,” say the creationists, “but, yeah, we’ve got problems.”

And then things go badly for all involved. Diseases need containing. Ideologies clash. And it can still have dinosaur sharks even!

And there will be no open ending, no sequel set-up, etc. — just a good old fashioned, contained movie that tells a complete story we don’t have to wait six years to see finish. And it will be a good ending, too, not a downer ending. Remember when downer endings were rare and shocking? Now it seems like every horror movie goes to the downer ending, which is kind of a drag. Hey, let’s go watch bad things happen to characters we care about and then they all die! Fun!

But, yeah, summary paragraph time, as per junior high essay rules: the Creature From The Black Lagoon is great monster design. It is maybe the best monster design ever. But Predator and Alien are cool, too. Maybe the Creature From The Black Lagoon remake will have dinosaur sharks because ideologies, man. Mokele-mbembe!