Apparently, you can see an Alien movie once…again.

I was intrigued by Alien: Covenant until I learned it continues to explain away the mystery of the Alien. I will likely now wait for Alien: Covenant to appear on the library shelf. I don’t like to donate money to movie studios so they can go back and strip mine great films of all their treasure. Don’t worry about the movie studios. They’ll land on their feet.

If this trend continues, what is the next franchise up for the prequel treatment?

How about Jaws?

We need to know where that shark came from and why he does what he does.

We open in the depths of the sea. A brood of sharks birth themselves from a dying mother in a gush of vitality. An octopus attacks the baby sharks, an EXTREME octopus, which is EXTREME due to its large size. Camera focuses on two sharks as they zip among lashing tentacles. Meanwhile, their brothers and sisters are snatched and crushed. The last two sharks weave and evade tentacles and a gnashing beak. It’s like two X-wings attacking a Death Star (I use a Death Star rather than the Death Star because I’m not sure which Death Star in which Star Wars movie I’m talking about).

Finally, the last two sharks burrow into the octopus’s eyes, killing it. The sharks swim mournfully around their dead family. This is important because if there is one thing I’ve learned from movies, it’s that there is basically only one way to give a character a meaningful backstory — they lose someone they love.

As the octopus sinks into the gloom, the camera shows it has a transmitter attached to it for scientific tracking purposes. The transmitter was faulty, however, shocking the octopus repeatedly and turning it into an indiscriminate shark-murdering beast.

Man is the real monster and must pay for the destruction of the sharks’ family. But where do they begin? Ah-ha, the transmitter has an Oceanic Institute Address!

A montage of the passing years follows. The sharks grow and train to take down the Oceanic Institute, but they have their differences. The smaller shark does not believe violence solves anything. The bigger shark does. While having these philosophical discussions, they swim against strong currents while dragging blowfish to increase their strength; they learn from whales about knowledge stuff; they watch humans on beaches and shed tears when all of the trash floats into their domain; finally, they revisit the death place of their family. Afterward, they swim to their destiny.

EXTREME CGI action scene!

Meanwhile, a boy talks to his father. The boy wants to go play catch. The father is too busy.

Dejected, the boy takes his rowboat out instead.

The sharks see the rowboat. The bigger shark wants to take his first victim. He attacks the rowboat, but the smaller shark stops him. “The boy is an innocent!”

“No human is innocent,” the bigger shark snarls.

Meanwhile, the boy makes it to shore and collapses on the sand. He wears a bracelet with a name on it. His name is…Hooper!

Oh my gosh, the shark that attacked Hooper as a boy was Jaws’ bigger brother! It wasn’t a thresher shark at all. Hooper misidentified the type of shark due to his panic. Retconning is fun!

Frustrated with his smaller brother (and following another EXTREME CGI action scene!), the bigger shark continues up the coast to the Oceanic Institute. It is built off the edge of a cliff and is supported by pillars. The two sharks construct a rudimentary explosive from algae urine, but they need a spark plug to set it off. They swim to a single-car ferry crossing a bay. They leap against the car on the ferry, battering it over the side while a family cowers in terror. As the car goes over, we see it has the same license plate retrieved during the shark autopsy in Jaws.

Easter egg!

Meanwhile, on the ferry, a small boy is injured when the guard rail cable snaps and cuts his side. Oh my gosh, that boy is Brody! That’s how he got the scar!

“Don’t worry son,” the captain says. “Maybe you’ll be in a scar contest someday…”

Oh my gosh, the captain is a younger Quint!

I feel smart because I recognize connections between movies!

The sharks retrieve the spark plug from the submerged car and return to the Oceanic Institute to detonate their explosive. The smaller shark objects.

“Once we do this, we’ll never be able to live with ourselves.”

“How can we live with ourselves if the people who killed our family are living with their selves?”

So deep…

The bigger shark explodes the pillars. The Oceanic Institute comes down. The scientists spill into the sea, but they have exoskeleton SCUBA suits and spear guns. It’s an underwater battle for the ages. One could even say it is an EXTREME CGI action scene! The bigger shark chomps scientists left and right. The smaller shark has no choice but to join in, and finally, only one scientist remains. The scientist has the smaller shark dead to rights and fires his spear, but the bigger shark swims in front of the projectile!

“Noooooooo!” the smaller shark screams and chomps the last scientist. He then swims to his dying brother.

“I told you,” the dying brother shark says. “Now…avenge me—”

He dies.

The smaller shark is alone in the world, and it’s all man’s fault. He goes off on a vision quest to find peace, but he can’t escape who he is…for more than a few of decades at least. He is a killer, and he knows he cannot rest until every last human being is chomped.

The film ends with the shark swimming toward a drunken woman named Chrissie who is going for a dip in the night sea…

Bam! It’s not so much a story as it is a license to print money. The only drawback is it is too much story, but that is a happy problem. The only thing with more earning potential than a prequel to famous films is…a prequel trilogy to famous films!

Double bam!

Or triple bam, if you prefer.

The next film is an alternate universe remake-boot-side-quel of Jaws where the shark, Hooper, Brody and Quint realize how they are all connected, and the revelations will be mind-blowing.

The final film takes place in space!

Now that’s how you respect a beloved film, and isn’t Jaws so much better knowing the shark’s origin? Just like Star Wars is so much better knowing Darth Vader’s origin, just like The Wizard of Oz is so much better knowing the wicked witch’s origin, just like James Bond is so much better knowing Blofeld’s origin, just like Alien is so much better knowing the Alien’s origin, just like…