Hmmm…I’m having a degree of fun looking at the writing of famous authors and seeing how I would tweak their prose. This is not really done in any attempt to “improve” anything. I’m merely learning how my writing differs from the greats.

Today I decided to look at some Hemingway, particularly the opening paragraph of For Whom The Bell Tolls, not to be confused with the Metallica song… (Special thanks to Dave Mustaine.)

Hemingway:

He lay flat on the brown, pine-needled floor of the forest, his chin on his folded arms, and high overhead the wind blew in the tops of the pine trees. The mountainside sloped gently where he lay; but below it was steep and he could see the dark of the oiled road winding through the pass. There was a stream alongside the road and far down the pass he saw a mill beside the stream and the falling water of the dam, white in the summer sunlight.

To my eye some stuff exists that doesn’t need to be said. For example, he “lay flat.” How else would he lay? “Overhead” the wind blew in the “tops” of the “pine” trees. If the wind blew in the tops of the trees, where else would it be but overhead? The trees have already been established as pine in the first sentence. And would he put his chin on his arms if they were straight out in front of him? “Gently” is a forbidden adverb. Why the “he could see” and “he saw” qualifiers? Who else would be seeing the scenery? Is someone else there? “There was” is passive.

All this shows it is possible to nit-pick anyone’s writing — even Hemingway’s. So what is the formula for publishable prose? Beyond a certain technical point, that may very well be a mystery.

Here is my version, tightened:

He lay on the brown, pine-needled floor of the forest, his chin on his arms, and the wind blowing in the tops of the trees. The mountainside had a gentle slope where he lay; but below it was steep, and the dark of an oiled road wound through the pass. A stream flowed alongside the road and further down stood a mill and the falling water of the dam, white in the summer sun.

That is how I would have done it. Interesting to look at exercises like this. What can I learn? Do I over edit? Am I too sparse? Do I news-write prose more than story-write prose?

Beauty is in the eye of beholder. It is up to the reader, I reckon.